I adore the blessed people who write up the Simple English entries.

Here’s the opening paragraph from Quantum Mechanics in Simple English:

Quantum mechanics explains how the universe works with things that are even smaller than atoms. It is also called quantum physics or quantum theory. Mechanics is the part of physics that explains how things move and quantum is the Latin word for ‘how much’. A quantum of energy is the least amount possible (or the least extra amount), and quantum mechanics describes how that energy moves.

If you’re lookin’ for a ride, I’ve a horse outside.

Fucking memetic cognitohazards…

I do my WICK check.

W - Wallet

I - Information device (phone / mp3 player)

C - Cup (travel mug of coffee)

K - Keys

Then I get to my car and I remember that I forgot something else important so I have to go back.

Which means that every villain in that room fully believes that is the sort of thing that Croc would say.

My last raise was by $1 / hour. Accounting for inflation, even with the raise, I’m making $3 / hour less than I was when I last got a raise. I’m working for a little mom and pop business and they are good people, but they cannot do basic economic math.

Which makes for a much more dramatic-looking jet of flame when you light it.

To be fair, if a technology was going to disassemble me down to a subatomic scale and reassemble me somewhere else, I’d want the atmospheric and ship’s systems conditions to be absolutely perfect, too.

“Listen: you might think about getting your friend some help. He’s way too preoccupied with superheroes’ reproductive organs.”

Unless you’re a dragon.

I know they meant “worst” in the sense of “bad at math,” but now I’m imagining the world’s worst mathematician trying to figure out how to use math to commit ethic cleansing or poison water supplies or make pugs’ noses even more fucked up or something.

Drive technology and civilization into the future without killing a bunch of people?! That sounds like SOCIALISM!!!

He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul’s head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.

Play golf the way it was originally intended and you’ll never be confused about whether or not it’s a sport ever again.

Ah, yes, the sacred texts. I thought there was another as-yet unknown context.

Oh my god! Cate Blanchett in full leather! That’s terrible! Where? Where are these photos, specifically? So I know what places to avoid!

So, Ricky Nightshade?

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy a jetski, and have you ever seen someone look sad on a jetski?

A “New York minute” is defined as the time between when the light turns green and when a New York driver will honk their horn at you.

1. Tater tots are basically an entire potential meal of their own. Not a French fry, but I may actually prefer them as a possible main dish.

2. The best French fries. They are the perfect side.

3. If you want to fancy it up a bit. Suitable for formal occasions.

4. Taking the one-dimensional line of the French fry and extrapolating it out to two dimensions. Still a good ketchup conveyance, but starting to get into the issue I’m going to bring up with…

5, 6, 7. Not a good enough ratio of crispy outer fried surface to gooey potato inner. I prefer crisp, but when I bite one of these, I have a good chance of just getting a mouthful of scalding hot potato napalm, or what’s worse, cold potato cement. Not ideal.

'8. Yeccch.